Three important things happened in the past two weeks.
1. Birthday without the blues. I usually get blue during birthdays but this time, I just had a relaxing birthday dinner and wine with three friends. We talked about usual "adult" stuff and "adult" realizations and "adult" changes to our bodies. We were able to laugh at our flaws which gave me the usual fuzzy feeling whenever I am with them. Birthday wish? To be reassured that I'm just fine, physically. Or that if I'm not fine, that I'm still gonna live long. Apart from new projects and new passions to work on, of course.
2. Awards and accolades. I forgot to blog about a documentary I'm working on. It's about a couple who lost all their four kids to the supertyphoon Yolanda. We are the winner for BEST PICTURE for the recently concluded QCIFF. We didn't expect it so imagine how loud our shrieks were when we heard we're the winners. It was my first time to give a "thank you" speech. It wasn't that bad. I was articulate enough, surprisingly. And the best part about it? We will receive a P300,000 cash prize! Wuhooo! And because of that I have the guts to push through our planned Eurotrip!
3. Eurotrip and IDFA! I just submitted my documents to the Netherlands Embassy yesterday. I cannot imagine that I'm really going to Amsterdam and Paris with my friends! I'm so grateful and excited!
So many blessings coming my way that I cannot help but feel special. It's as if someone up there is giving me a special treatment. I know it's superficial, but I will buy presents for everyone I know this Christmas. I'm just brimming with happiness that I have to share it to others.
Here's my speech for all my blessings:
Thank you Universe, thank you God, thank you gods, thank you my dear ancestors, thank you to my mom and sister who are constantly watching over me, thank you Hugo for being a good father to Sput so that I can pursue my passion without worrying, thank you Sput for being the sweetest and for being my #1 fan, thank you ate Bing for taking care of me and Marion (for all the time you boiled water for my bath, for giving me a cup of tea even if I don't ask), thank you Mommy Vivian and Daddy Suy for listening to me even though I sound annoying with my health rants. I feel so lucky. I don't deserve this but I will just claim it. I will share every blessing I have to all of you.
Friday, November 14, 2014
Monday, October 20, 2014
Broken Heart > Broken Health any day!!!
I'd rather be broken-hearted all my life than experience weird health symptoms. Jesus! Weird rashes back again. I'm doomed. My body's starting to change just when I feel like I've figured things out. I can imagine that this is the problem of the thirties lady: you've figured things out emotionally, financially, socially...but your body starts to deteriorate. Sucks! I don't wanna be a crazy health lady who drink lemon water in the morning and applies castor oil at night. Can't I be cool again?!?!
Turning twenty-nine in a couple of days and I can feel old-age comin'.
Turning twenty-nine in a couple of days and I can feel old-age comin'.
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Coming to terms with the indifference
I keep thinking about death every day. Wait, that's not accurate because I don't actively think about death, it's not my choice of past time, rather thoughts of death and dying and not-existing-anymore keep visiting my head. It's not about what I'll leave to the world because I honestly don't believe it's my mission to leave anything that cannot be forgotten. Well, it's not my main motivation for doing things.
Anyway, my worries concerning death are basically:
a.) Daughter-related (Will I have enough money to pay for my daughter's monthly bills when she's 22 if I die soon? Who will defend her? Who will teach her about birth control?etc). Should I write my will now?
b.) Death process- related. Is dying painful? How will I die? What is it like to have a knife plunged in your liver or lungs? When will I find out I have cancer? (this one right here is debilitating and a total waste of neurons)
c.) What will happen after death? Will there be total darkness? Is it complete nothingness? In that case, what's the point of existing and enjoying and learning and evolving if all of that is going to be wiped out? Some say "just to experience life!" but I see a flaw there. Maybe the problem is that I assumed there has to be a point. But I'm a point-driven person and I cannot do anything about it. The point is there is no point, I guess. And it drives me crazy.
Somebody shoot me in the head! Whoever gave me the idea that I have control? Whoever gave me the idea that life is constant progression and that there has to be purpose to everything. Whoever gave me the idea that I should exist forever (no matter what form) simply because I was conceived? And if that "right" is taken away from me, it's an unfair Universe. Whoever gave me the idea that the Universe is fair? Not only am I a self-entitled 20-something, I'm a self-entitled being in general.
Okay, here's what I'll do: I will embrace the indifference and "unfairness" wholeheartedly. I will repeat this to myself everyday: The Universe is indifferent. No one will rescue you. But there are 1 million beautiful things in this world and YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
Here's a quote from Kubrick that has helped me a lot. He's my savior.
“The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
― Stanley Kubrick
Maybe, that's what I should do. I will TRY to be indifferent to the indifference of the Universe.
Anyway, my worries concerning death are basically:
a.) Daughter-related (Will I have enough money to pay for my daughter's monthly bills when she's 22 if I die soon? Who will defend her? Who will teach her about birth control?etc). Should I write my will now?
b.) Death process- related. Is dying painful? How will I die? What is it like to have a knife plunged in your liver or lungs? When will I find out I have cancer? (this one right here is debilitating and a total waste of neurons)
c.) What will happen after death? Will there be total darkness? Is it complete nothingness? In that case, what's the point of existing and enjoying and learning and evolving if all of that is going to be wiped out? Some say "just to experience life!" but I see a flaw there. Maybe the problem is that I assumed there has to be a point. But I'm a point-driven person and I cannot do anything about it. The point is there is no point, I guess. And it drives me crazy.
Somebody shoot me in the head! Whoever gave me the idea that I have control? Whoever gave me the idea that life is constant progression and that there has to be purpose to everything. Whoever gave me the idea that I should exist forever (no matter what form) simply because I was conceived? And if that "right" is taken away from me, it's an unfair Universe. Whoever gave me the idea that the Universe is fair? Not only am I a self-entitled 20-something, I'm a self-entitled being in general.
Okay, here's what I'll do: I will embrace the indifference and "unfairness" wholeheartedly. I will repeat this to myself everyday: The Universe is indifferent. No one will rescue you. But there are 1 million beautiful things in this world and YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
Here's a quote from Kubrick that has helped me a lot. He's my savior.
“The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
― Stanley Kubrick
Maybe, that's what I should do. I will TRY to be indifferent to the indifference of the Universe.
Friday, October 17, 2014
My father just told me he was a hypochondriac too.
I don't know if I've written about this before, but I have a full-blown Health Anxiety. Been suffering from this for over a year now. It started with me getting weird rashes and intense hair fall for months. I've visited a lot of doctors (twice to internist, twice to dermatologist, once to gynecologist) and guess what, the experts said I am just STRESSED! And so at about the same time I developed those weird symptoms, I also had hyperacidity or mild gastritis of some sort. I went to the doctor, he did bloodwork and ultrasound, and when everything came back fine, he said " Dear, are you sure you're not stressed lately?"
That's when I started to doubt doctors. I used to think of them as gods who can solve all my problems but I've visited too many and they all said "it will go away", "ganyan lang talaga", "stress lang yan." And the webMD-ing happens first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and plenty of times throughout the day. It's debilitating, I'm not exxagarating. There were days where I just could not work because I'd rather curl in bed and, with my iPad in hand, try to figure out my disease.I bothered plenty of people especially my partner. Once I went to the lab for an ANA test (just to rule out lupus). It was expensive and I was a total wreck. When it came back negative, he literally shoved the lab result to my face.
Everytime I call my mom, I never fail to mention my health woes. The one I have right now is Digestive issues. Belching, floating stools (TMI), gassy, bloated, undigested food.
MOMMY:
Wow, Inday. Malipay gyud ko mag tan-aw sa imo pictures sa Korea.
Wow. I'm so happy looking at your pictures in Korea.
ME:
Lagi Mi. Mi, ang akong tiyan ba...
Yeah, Mom. Mother, about my tummy...
MOMMY:
Labaw na tong nipaso ka sa red carpet.
Especially the one where you walked on the red carpet.
ME:
....Mi, ngano mani ako tiyan oi.
Mom, what do you think is wrong with my tummy?
MOMMY: (sighs)
Unsa man problema,Inday?
What's the problem this time?
ME:
Mao lagi gihapon. Mulutaw ako tae.
It's the same. My poops still float.
MOMMY:
Normal ra man siguro na kay acidic man ka...
I think it's normal because you're acidic.
(muffled voice. It's Dad's)
DADDY:
Wen, ayaw na sige'g huna-huna ana. Sauna nagka ing-ana pud ko. Sige tingog akong tiyan. Magdaguok. Dayon walay klaro akong tae. Pila ko ka tuig sige ug pa check-up, wala man gyud sila'y makita. Niundang ko oi.
Wen, don't think too much. I had that, too. My stomach used to make a lot of noises then my bowel movement was not regular. I've been to a lot of doctors for a long time, they found nothing. So I stopped.
ME:
So na-praning sad diay ka sauna, Dy?
So you were paranoid about your health, too?
DADDY:
Oo lagi. Ingun ang doctor wala ra daw gyud problema.Ako ra daw makatabang sa akong kaugalingon. Sa stress ra daw to. Wa na nako huna-hunaa, nawala ra man.
Yes. Doctors said I'm the only one that can help myself because what I have is stress.
ME:
Swerte man ka wala pa man to'y WebMD sauna.
Well, you're lucky there's no WebMD during your time.
I'm a bit relieved. My dad's alive so I might be alive longer, too. I'll try to not check my poops for a month, let's see if that will help.
That's when I started to doubt doctors. I used to think of them as gods who can solve all my problems but I've visited too many and they all said "it will go away", "ganyan lang talaga", "stress lang yan." And the webMD-ing happens first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and plenty of times throughout the day. It's debilitating, I'm not exxagarating. There were days where I just could not work because I'd rather curl in bed and, with my iPad in hand, try to figure out my disease.I bothered plenty of people especially my partner. Once I went to the lab for an ANA test (just to rule out lupus). It was expensive and I was a total wreck. When it came back negative, he literally shoved the lab result to my face.
Everytime I call my mom, I never fail to mention my health woes. The one I have right now is Digestive issues. Belching, floating stools (TMI), gassy, bloated, undigested food.
MOMMY:
Wow, Inday. Malipay gyud ko mag tan-aw sa imo pictures sa Korea.
Wow. I'm so happy looking at your pictures in Korea.
ME:
Lagi Mi. Mi, ang akong tiyan ba...
Yeah, Mom. Mother, about my tummy...
MOMMY:
Labaw na tong nipaso ka sa red carpet.
Especially the one where you walked on the red carpet.
ME:
....Mi, ngano mani ako tiyan oi.
Mom, what do you think is wrong with my tummy?
MOMMY: (sighs)
Unsa man problema,Inday?
What's the problem this time?
ME:
Mao lagi gihapon. Mulutaw ako tae.
It's the same. My poops still float.
MOMMY:
Normal ra man siguro na kay acidic man ka...
I think it's normal because you're acidic.
(muffled voice. It's Dad's)
DADDY:
Wen, ayaw na sige'g huna-huna ana. Sauna nagka ing-ana pud ko. Sige tingog akong tiyan. Magdaguok. Dayon walay klaro akong tae. Pila ko ka tuig sige ug pa check-up, wala man gyud sila'y makita. Niundang ko oi.
Wen, don't think too much. I had that, too. My stomach used to make a lot of noises then my bowel movement was not regular. I've been to a lot of doctors for a long time, they found nothing. So I stopped.
ME:
So na-praning sad diay ka sauna, Dy?
So you were paranoid about your health, too?
DADDY:
Oo lagi. Ingun ang doctor wala ra daw gyud problema.Ako ra daw makatabang sa akong kaugalingon. Sa stress ra daw to. Wa na nako huna-hunaa, nawala ra man.
Yes. Doctors said I'm the only one that can help myself because what I have is stress.
ME:
Swerte man ka wala pa man to'y WebMD sauna.
Well, you're lucky there's no WebMD during your time.
I'm a bit relieved. My dad's alive so I might be alive longer, too. I'll try to not check my poops for a month, let's see if that will help.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
I could have been a rich sausage lady
If only I was persistent enough or lucky enough. But I wasn't.
My twenties was pretty much spent either waiting for things to happen (a big break, a big raise) or praying for things not to happen( catch a deadly disease, become pregnant). I felt like I had too much time in my hands, but not really. There were plenty of lull moments where I can actually hear the clock ticking at 10 in the morning. But there were also plenty of rushed moments where I don't even have time to check my face in the mirror. I was rushing to get my shit together already and figure out what I'm supposed to be. It sounds silly but it has made me wail like a baby (not to mention lose so much hair!).
CAREER. Woooh! I used to cringe a little and get goosebumps every time I hear that C word. In my early twenties, I used to get excited about career and life path (I can be anything I want to be!) but in my mid-twenties (when I started to exhaust all options or what felt like "all options"), I started to lose hope and settle and dismiss the C word. Every turned down job application was a stab to my ego. But then when I turned twenty-seven, I sucked it up and told myself I have to try again. What I did, I set my deadline to thirty-five instead of thirty. That made a big difference! I realized that 3-year or 5-year deadlines paralyze me. I started to compare my life to my friends' accomplishments (thanks Facebook). For me, it's okay to be envious, it's okay to compare, it's okay to feel let-down as long as I DON'T STOP.
In my twenties, here are the "paths" I've tried:
* Fresh from college, I applied as a Korean tutor.
* Then as an assistant Production Designer for a TV show (quit after two weeks)
* Assistant Production Designer for a TV Commercial Production House (quit after 3 months because I got pregnant)
* Call Center Agent (quit after two months because Gynecologist advised I stop working)
* Assistant Production Designer again for TVC
* Went home to the province and started working online (writing blogs, data entry, etc). I have this job until now because it suits me. I love the flexibility and the fact that I don't have to experience Manila traffic everyday.
* Got bored with just working online. Applied as Magazine writer but they don't accept part-time positions.
* Applied as photographer for a Photobooth company. They turned me down.
* Started an online clothing store with my friends. Had friendship issues after six months. Lesson: Friendship and business don't mix.
* Tried selling cheap soap in the province (my mom will sell for me), didn't work. There are already plenty of cheap soaps in the province, turns out. Lesson: Research!
* Tried selling sausages from the province here in the city with my sister. Didn't even go to step one because my mother misquoted the price. Lesson: Please compute properly. And don't do business with mom for now (sorry, mother. Love you!)
* Tried having an online writing business. I ended up re-writing all the stuff. It's hard to find good quality for small fee. In the end, plenty of headaches for just little money. not worth the trouble.
* Marketed Wall-Nut wall climbing solutions (my partner's sort of business). Lots of inquiries but not too many people are willing to travel to Antipolo (which is one hour away from the metro). It's not sellable. Period.
* Attended a script writing workshop. Got inspired to make films again.
* Attended a filmmaking workshop where they fund good scripts. My script got selected. At age twenty-seven, I made my first short film after college. Not the best but decent enough. That's where I met a lot of great people including Cha.
* Cha and I got along well and decided we make a production company that focuses on documentaries.
* Nothing much happened during the first year except we shot her documentary in Leyte (not completed) and we had one animation project that didn't turn out well (big goals, small budget, too many people involved). We pitched to some companies and made scripts with no fee. The only successful one is a project with Schneider Electric, which we got through our friend. The pay was good, the project was easy.
* During Haiyan, Cha and I were looking for stories to shoot. When I was visiting my parents' home, my sister-in-law mentioned a couple who lost all their four kids to the storm. Cha and I went to the couple and six months later, we finished a full-length documentary.
* We got screened at Busan International Film Festival (biggest IFF in Asia) and we will screen at IDFA Amsterdam (the biggest in the world).
So, here I am, a girl who "kinda" figured out what she's going to do in the next decade. I'm not too sure if I can make another good film that will be screened in other countries, but I will try. I feel fulfilled when I'm making films- from conceptualization up to the fifth edit. At the same time, I will work on my finances as I'm in a painful state of poverty right now. I owe it to my beautiful daughter to have at least a decent amount of money in the bank while I pursue my dreams.
Anyway, I sometimes wonder what if I got successful in one of the other stuff I pursued? Sausage business, for example...I'd be a totally different person. My daily concerns would revolve around picking up the sausages and making sure they're stacked properly in the fridge. I'd sleep at night thinking about the number of sausages to be delivered the next day.
Or what if I didn't pursue the script writing workshop? Maybe I would not have attended the filmmaking workshop. So that means I would not have made my short film and met Cha and made a documentary.
Or...maybe not. maybe I'm still a sausage woman who thinks about films at night. I cannot tell for sure.
My twenties was pretty much spent either waiting for things to happen (a big break, a big raise) or praying for things not to happen( catch a deadly disease, become pregnant). I felt like I had too much time in my hands, but not really. There were plenty of lull moments where I can actually hear the clock ticking at 10 in the morning. But there were also plenty of rushed moments where I don't even have time to check my face in the mirror. I was rushing to get my shit together already and figure out what I'm supposed to be. It sounds silly but it has made me wail like a baby (not to mention lose so much hair!).
CAREER. Woooh! I used to cringe a little and get goosebumps every time I hear that C word. In my early twenties, I used to get excited about career and life path (I can be anything I want to be!) but in my mid-twenties (when I started to exhaust all options or what felt like "all options"), I started to lose hope and settle and dismiss the C word. Every turned down job application was a stab to my ego. But then when I turned twenty-seven, I sucked it up and told myself I have to try again. What I did, I set my deadline to thirty-five instead of thirty. That made a big difference! I realized that 3-year or 5-year deadlines paralyze me. I started to compare my life to my friends' accomplishments (thanks Facebook). For me, it's okay to be envious, it's okay to compare, it's okay to feel let-down as long as I DON'T STOP.
In my twenties, here are the "paths" I've tried:
* Fresh from college, I applied as a Korean tutor.
* Then as an assistant Production Designer for a TV show (quit after two weeks)
* Assistant Production Designer for a TV Commercial Production House (quit after 3 months because I got pregnant)
* Call Center Agent (quit after two months because Gynecologist advised I stop working)
* Assistant Production Designer again for TVC
* Went home to the province and started working online (writing blogs, data entry, etc). I have this job until now because it suits me. I love the flexibility and the fact that I don't have to experience Manila traffic everyday.
* Got bored with just working online. Applied as Magazine writer but they don't accept part-time positions.
* Applied as photographer for a Photobooth company. They turned me down.
* Started an online clothing store with my friends. Had friendship issues after six months. Lesson: Friendship and business don't mix.
* Tried selling cheap soap in the province (my mom will sell for me), didn't work. There are already plenty of cheap soaps in the province, turns out. Lesson: Research!
* Tried selling sausages from the province here in the city with my sister. Didn't even go to step one because my mother misquoted the price. Lesson: Please compute properly. And don't do business with mom for now (sorry, mother. Love you!)
* Tried having an online writing business. I ended up re-writing all the stuff. It's hard to find good quality for small fee. In the end, plenty of headaches for just little money. not worth the trouble.
* Marketed Wall-Nut wall climbing solutions (my partner's sort of business). Lots of inquiries but not too many people are willing to travel to Antipolo (which is one hour away from the metro). It's not sellable. Period.
* Attended a script writing workshop. Got inspired to make films again.
* Attended a filmmaking workshop where they fund good scripts. My script got selected. At age twenty-seven, I made my first short film after college. Not the best but decent enough. That's where I met a lot of great people including Cha.
* Cha and I got along well and decided we make a production company that focuses on documentaries.
* Nothing much happened during the first year except we shot her documentary in Leyte (not completed) and we had one animation project that didn't turn out well (big goals, small budget, too many people involved). We pitched to some companies and made scripts with no fee. The only successful one is a project with Schneider Electric, which we got through our friend. The pay was good, the project was easy.
* During Haiyan, Cha and I were looking for stories to shoot. When I was visiting my parents' home, my sister-in-law mentioned a couple who lost all their four kids to the storm. Cha and I went to the couple and six months later, we finished a full-length documentary.
* We got screened at Busan International Film Festival (biggest IFF in Asia) and we will screen at IDFA Amsterdam (the biggest in the world).
So, here I am, a girl who "kinda" figured out what she's going to do in the next decade. I'm not too sure if I can make another good film that will be screened in other countries, but I will try. I feel fulfilled when I'm making films- from conceptualization up to the fifth edit. At the same time, I will work on my finances as I'm in a painful state of poverty right now. I owe it to my beautiful daughter to have at least a decent amount of money in the bank while I pursue my dreams.
Anyway, I sometimes wonder what if I got successful in one of the other stuff I pursued? Sausage business, for example...I'd be a totally different person. My daily concerns would revolve around picking up the sausages and making sure they're stacked properly in the fridge. I'd sleep at night thinking about the number of sausages to be delivered the next day.
Or what if I didn't pursue the script writing workshop? Maybe I would not have attended the filmmaking workshop. So that means I would not have made my short film and met Cha and made a documentary.
Or...maybe not. maybe I'm still a sausage woman who thinks about films at night. I cannot tell for sure.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
My "Two Tables" approach on gauging people
I read an article about intuition/gut feel a week ago, I just can't find the effin link. Anyway, it said that if you think you have poor "gut feel" skills (that's moi!), then here's a trick: think of a scenario or moment in your life when you felt so joyful and light and everything felt "just right". When a person or thing makes you feel this way, he/she/it/they are good for you. On the other hand, if you feel the opposite, then they're not for you. Humnnn...quite tough! But what I did, I went back to the two family dinners I had over the Holidays.
SIA DINNER
The first one was with my biological mother's side. The atmosphere was heavy and talking was a task. I didn't even laugh, not once. Two hours felt like ten. The food didn't even taste good.
Conversations went:
"Inday! Day! Day! ( a derogatory term if you're not that close).Unsa ka na call center?"
" Convergys"
" So wala kang pasok ngayon? Magkasama ba kayo ni Wena?"
" Oo. Magkasama kami..."
"..."
Me: "...di kasi nakapasa si Justin."
Niece: "Shhh..okay lang yan. Di naman lahat pareho." (in a goody-girl that makes me feel bad about myself way)
Me: "Of course."
Silence
Ahia Allan: Picture naman!
(Picture taking)
Ahia Allan: (looks at the picture) Ayan, parang super enjoy tayo ah!
I do hope he was being sarcastic.
___________________________________________________________
SANCHEZ DINNER
It was my first time to meet my Sanchez-Ruiz clan. We met at Superbowl Greenbelt (coincidentally,same Chinese resto where we met the Sias). Well, it was fun even before we started eating. Everyone was funny and they're all pleasant and interesting and interested. My cousin asked everyone what they want to order. No one ruled the conversation. No one was "the successful one" and more important, no one called anyone "inday". It was just two hours and I wanted to stay longer, get to know them better.
Now, when I meet a person or when I try to assess the people in my life, I would imagine two tables (Sanchez and Sia) and I would ask myself where he's likely seated. Just that simple. Without thinking hard. It's amazing because there are some long-time friends who I now place in the Sia table and there are new-found acquaintances that are on the Sanchez table.
Of course, I may be wrong. The 2-tables thing could simply be a gauge on who I find pleasant and unpleasant... and we all know pleasantness is not the sole gauge of good intentions/trustworthiness (no, it effin isn't!) but that requires another kind of "gut-feely" question, which is:
Is there something odd/off about this person? Is he too bubbly? Do you imagine him/her rolling her eyes behind your back? Never go near those creatures!
I don't know how to end this. It's dinnertime..Sooo.
SIA DINNER
The first one was with my biological mother's side. The atmosphere was heavy and talking was a task. I didn't even laugh, not once. Two hours felt like ten. The food didn't even taste good.
Conversations went:
"Inday! Day! Day! ( a derogatory term if you're not that close).Unsa ka na call center?"
" Convergys"
" So wala kang pasok ngayon? Magkasama ba kayo ni Wena?"
" Oo. Magkasama kami..."
"..."
Me: "...di kasi nakapasa si Justin."
Niece: "Shhh..okay lang yan. Di naman lahat pareho." (in a goody-girl that makes me feel bad about myself way)
Me: "Of course."
Silence
Ahia Allan: Picture naman!
(Picture taking)
Ahia Allan: (looks at the picture) Ayan, parang super enjoy tayo ah!
I do hope he was being sarcastic.
___________________________________________________________
SANCHEZ DINNER
It was my first time to meet my Sanchez-Ruiz clan. We met at Superbowl Greenbelt (coincidentally,same Chinese resto where we met the Sias). Well, it was fun even before we started eating. Everyone was funny and they're all pleasant and interesting and interested. My cousin asked everyone what they want to order. No one ruled the conversation. No one was "the successful one" and more important, no one called anyone "inday". It was just two hours and I wanted to stay longer, get to know them better.
Now, when I meet a person or when I try to assess the people in my life, I would imagine two tables (Sanchez and Sia) and I would ask myself where he's likely seated. Just that simple. Without thinking hard. It's amazing because there are some long-time friends who I now place in the Sia table and there are new-found acquaintances that are on the Sanchez table.
Of course, I may be wrong. The 2-tables thing could simply be a gauge on who I find pleasant and unpleasant... and we all know pleasantness is not the sole gauge of good intentions/trustworthiness (no, it effin isn't!) but that requires another kind of "gut-feely" question, which is:
Is there something odd/off about this person? Is he too bubbly? Do you imagine him/her rolling her eyes behind your back? Never go near those creatures!
I don't know how to end this. It's dinnertime..Sooo.
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Monday, January 6, 2014
Movie is Over
I miss that particular time in my life, I think from age ten to eighteen, when I felt like I’m from the movies…I was the lead, needless to say, the people close to me were the supporting actors,and everyone else were just extras. If you’ve felt this way before, you’d automatically get me and give me a high five; If you have no clue what I’m talking about, you’d think I’m nuts.
I used to wake up everyday with an imaginary camera rolling. I would feel giddy with the plot (which was, of course, unknown to me…but there were times when I tried to force my own narrative especially those scenes involving crushes)…and I felt like everything I said was witty and quotable, perfect bites for the trailer. In gradeshool, I was Alex Mack. In High School, I was Kat Stratford. My character in college was no one in particular but I was trying to imbibe “the damaged girl”. I used to feel like I was one of those anorexic, depressive artsy types who smoke twenty cigarettes a day and spit out ten cuss words a minute. Not that I used to smoke twenty cigarettes a day (the average number was just five)… and neither did I cuss ten per minute (I rarely cuss)… But you know, just that kind of vibe. Think Thelma and Louise, Kate Moss, Amanda Palmer, Mila Kunis (in Black Swan), Diane from Trainspotting, Courtney Love. I used to feel like I belong to that group.
When I think about it now, I can say that I was definitely pushing it too far. Haha. When you see me, back then and especially now, you’d say “eh??” I’m the type who wears floral prints and lipstick. And my voice is so soft people keep asking me to repeat my words. and as I’ve said, I rarely cuss. I’m not too good at confrontation, debate and fighting back. I used to smoke and drink and well, I was very much into the arts but only as a lover, not a maker. I never lived my life too dangerously like in the movies. I have no suicidal tendencies. Yes, I majored in film but I have never really made anything I can even show to my parents (who are, for years, curious where their money went and what my future would look like). So…I never really was close to being that girl. But I felt really…I felt really interesting back then. And also, full of hope, full of promise, full of potential.
I miss the feeling that I’m broke (but because I’m still a student, poverty is interesting). I miss being too absorbed in a novel or mix CD that I don’t care about anyone (being antisocial was cool back then). And I actually miss being heartbroken. Oh the deep sadness of not being loved back by the one person you truly adore (but in hindsight, I just loved the drama. I cried and those were real tears and real sadness but one part of me enjoyed the misery).
In your late twenties, it’s the reas deal, no excuses permitted. When you’re broke or heartbroken or angsty, it doesn’t make you interesting; it makes you a candidate for Ms. Miserable 2018. These used-to-be-interesting things like having a “unique” personality or being poor or having a paralyzing heartache simply lost their luster between the ages 23-26 and they now become everyday grown-up things you have to deal with on the sidelines, in secret, as quickly as possible.
Now it’s all about being polished and fit and having white teeth and achieving goals and being financially stable and a million other grown-up things.
Seems like the camera ran out of film, the soundtrack was turned off, and everyone has left the set. When did the clapper clap off? I didn’t hear it. Was it so slow that it didn’t make a sound or was I too busy with the noise that I didn’t hear it or was it so loud that it became inaudible?
____________
EDIT: Oh my god, this quote nailed it:
“I didn’t realize then that so much of being adult is reconciling ourselves with the awkwardness and strangeness of our own feelings. Youth is the time of life lived for some imaginary audience”
― Douglas Coupland, Girlfriend in a Coma
― Douglas Coupland, Girlfriend in a Coma
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