My "Two Tables" approach on gauging people

I read an article about intuition/gut feel a week ago, I just can't find the effin link. Anyway, it said that if you think you have poor "gut feel" skills (that's moi!), then here's a trick: think of a scenario or moment in your life when you felt so joyful and light and everything felt "just right". When a person or thing makes you feel this way, he/she/it/they are good for you. On the other hand, if you feel the opposite, then they're not for you. Humnnn...quite tough! But what I did, I went back to the two family dinners I had over the Holidays.

SIA DINNER
The first one was with my biological mother's side. The atmosphere was heavy and talking was a task. I didn't even laugh, not once. Two hours felt like ten. The food didn't even taste good.

Conversations went:
"Inday! Day! Day! ( a derogatory term if you're not that close).Unsa ka na call center?"
" Convergys"
" So wala kang pasok ngayon? Magkasama ba kayo ni Wena?"
" Oo. Magkasama kami..."
"..."

Me: "...di kasi nakapasa si Justin."
Niece: "Shhh..okay lang yan. Di naman lahat pareho." (in a goody-girl that makes me feel bad about myself way)
Me: "Of course."
Silence

Ahia Allan: Picture naman!
(Picture taking)
Ahia Allan: (looks at the picture) Ayan, parang super enjoy tayo ah!
I do hope he was being sarcastic.

___________________________________________________________
SANCHEZ DINNER

It was my first time to meet my Sanchez-Ruiz clan. We met at Superbowl Greenbelt (coincidentally,same Chinese resto where we met the Sias). Well, it was fun even before we started eating. Everyone was funny and they're all pleasant and interesting and interested. My cousin asked everyone what they want to order. No one ruled the conversation. No one was "the successful one" and more important, no one called anyone "inday". It was just two hours and I wanted to stay longer, get to know them better.


Now, when I meet a person or when I try to assess the people in my life, I would imagine two tables (Sanchez and Sia) and I would ask myself where he's likely seated. Just that simple. Without thinking hard. It's amazing because there are some long-time friends who I now place in the Sia table and there are new-found acquaintances that are on the Sanchez table.

Of course, I may be wrong. The 2-tables thing could simply be a gauge on who I find pleasant and unpleasant... and we all know pleasantness is not the sole gauge of good intentions/trustworthiness (no, it effin isn't!) but that requires another kind of "gut-feely" question, which is:
Is there something odd/off about this person? Is he too bubbly? Do you imagine him/her rolling her eyes behind your back? Never go near those creatures!

I don't know how to end this. It's dinnertime..Sooo.

And so I chopped my hair and I feel fine

Movie is Over

I miss that particular time in my life, I think from age ten to eighteen, when I felt like I’m from the movies…I was the lead, needless to say, the people close to me were the supporting actors,and everyone else were just extras. If you’ve felt this way before, you’d automatically get me and give me a high five; If you have no clue what I’m talking about, you’d think I’m nuts.

I used to wake up everyday with an imaginary camera rolling. I would feel giddy with the plot (which was, of course, unknown to me…but there were times when I tried to force my own narrative especially those scenes involving crushes)…and I felt like everything I said was witty and quotable, perfect bites for the trailer. In gradeshool, I was Alex Mack. In High School, I was Kat Stratford. My character in college was no one in particular but I was trying to imbibe “the damaged girl”. I used to feel like I was one of those anorexic, depressive artsy types who smoke twenty cigarettes a day and spit out ten cuss words a minute. Not that I used to smoke twenty cigarettes a day (the average number was just five)… and neither did I cuss ten per minute (I rarely cuss)… But you know, just that kind of vibe. Think Thelma and Louise, Kate Moss, Amanda Palmer, Mila Kunis (in Black Swan), Diane from Trainspotting, Courtney Love. I used to feel like I belong to that group.

When I think about it now, I can say that I was definitely pushing it too far. Haha. When you see me, back then and especially now, you’d say “eh??” I’m the type who wears floral prints and lipstick. And my voice is so soft people keep asking me to repeat my words. and as I’ve said, I rarely cuss. I’m not too good at confrontation, debate and fighting back. I used to smoke and drink and well, I was very much into the arts but only as a lover, not a maker. I never lived my life too dangerously like in the movies. I have no suicidal tendencies. Yes, I majored in film but I have never really made anything I can even show to my parents (who are, for years, curious where their money went and what my future would look like). So…I never really was close to being that girl. But I felt really…I felt really interesting back then. And also, full of hope, full of promise, full of potential.

I miss the feeling that I’m broke (but because I’m still a student, poverty is interesting). I miss being too absorbed in a novel or mix CD that I don’t care about anyone (being antisocial was cool back then). And I actually miss being heartbroken. Oh the deep sadness of not being loved back by the one person you truly adore (but in hindsight, I just loved the drama. I cried and those were real tears and real sadness but one part of me enjoyed the misery).

In your late twenties, it’s the reas deal, no excuses permitted. When you’re broke or heartbroken or angsty, it doesn’t make you interesting; it makes you a candidate for Ms. Miserable 2018. These used-to-be-interesting things like having a “unique” personality or being poor or having a paralyzing heartache simply lost their luster between the ages 23-26 and they now become everyday grown-up things you have to deal with on the sidelines, in secret, as quickly as possible.

Now it’s all about being polished and fit and having white teeth and achieving goals and being financially stable and a million other grown-up things.

Seems like the camera ran out of film, the soundtrack was turned off, and everyone has left the set. When did the clapper clap off? I didn’t hear it. Was it so slow that it didn’t make a sound or was I too busy with the noise that I didn’t hear it or was it so loud that it became inaudible?

____________

EDIT: Oh my god, this quote nailed it:

“I didn’t realize then that so much of being adult is reconciling ourselves with the awkwardness and strangeness of our own feelings. Youth is the time of life lived for some imaginary audience” 
― Douglas Coupland, Girlfriend in a Coma