How did I stop worrying about my weird rashes? I worried about bigger problems. Not that I had this planned out, really. I mean, it’s crazy to wish for bigger problems just to stop obsessing about the current one (Oh lord, give me a bigger problem to worry about, something that’s really life-altering so I can forget about my allergies?). No, not like that. Actually, they’ve been there all along. It’s laughable how things to worry about seem to appear like an invited guest, all natural and seamless and ready, unlike the other things in life that I actively planned for (like the call-backs that never happen after sleepless nights of making proposals). But I should not complain. I must not complain.
The things I worried about:
1. My 5-year-old daughter’s “behavioral condition” (attention deficit suggests her teacher but is yet to be confirmed by a specialist next week). I won’t be surprised if they’d diagnose her with ADHD though. My dad has it, my brother has it, my dad’s cousin has it, maybe I have it. I kind of noticed it when she was still two but her teachers just laughed and told me not to worry so much. So, you see, I was really prepared for this kind of news. But I was still floored when I had the one-on-one talk with her teacher during PTA. I was overwhelmed and had a cryfest for a week. My heart felt like it was wrapped in tight plastic and its as if there’s a pingpong ball stuck in my throat. I just wanted to sleep all day. My mom tried to console me “she’s going to be fine”, “she’s going to be a genius” and whatnot, but her words helped only a little. By the end of the week though, I started to feel lighter. The songs were songs again, sunshine was sunshine again, the food tasted okay and my hygiene was back to normal. I don’t know how the burden eased but it did, it just did. I guess any kind of pain becomes softer after a while. I still get teary-eyed now and then (when Marion performed in ballet class and I —and maybe everyone else—noticed that she’s all fidgety and just can’t sit still and listen while the rest of her classmates were so attentive and prim; during the FAmily Day at her school and it’s lunchtime and she wanted to sit with a group of snotty little girls but they shooed her away so she just sat beside me). It will take me a while before I can be strong, the kind that’s not just for show…the kind that’s not just to conceal worry or pain or to prevent the urge to shout at people and say “my daughter is one fine kid!”. I’d need time and a some sense of humor to be a good mom again. and money, I need money. I always think about money, I know…which leads to my second worry.
2. My partner’s lack of drive. I’m well aware I didn’t ‘marry’ a tycoon but I was 21 then and pregnant and it was still cool to be damaged and weird at that time. Now, you just can’t be cool and damaged anymore. It’s like smoking in your 60s or having the break-up blues in your 40s. Anyway, I hate him for his obsession with computer games, lego and TV when he’s 42 and we have a future to think about…we’re just renting a house, we have no car, he has no savings, etc etc…so what is he doing with his free time ( and he has lots!). He said he’s content and happy when really, I just know he is not. He looks so sad and he’s broke 20 days a month. And now that he plays his computer games almost 30 hours a week, and I urged him (using kind words, in a gentle manner and all that) that we start a food business and he didn’t budge…I raised both hands and surrendered. I just can’t do it anymore. It’s better to do things 100 percent than to expect your partner to do 50 percent or 70 percent but you only get 20. That’s how I felt. That’s how I feel. Right now, we decided to stay together but not as a couple. I am certain this is going nowhere but he’s a good dad and a very,very kind person it’s so hard for me to end everything just like that. Plus, it doesn’t help that I’m an INFJ in the Myerr’s Briggs. It says there that I would have a hard time leaving an unhealthy relationship because I’m a fucking nurturer (no, it doesn’t say fucking, that’s me saying fucking because I hate being a wimp). Well, l’m just hoping things would be a LOT better for both of us (separately) so that it would be easier for us to separate. Would it be easier? I suppose so. But what’s clear is that We haven’t kissed or made love for two months. It’s also clear that I got angry when he chatted up with a girl for what seemed like an hour during Marion’s ballet performance. Oh well. I hope everything will be better soon. At the very least I’m relieved that I won’t have to care about his video game addiction and lack of drive and health and age and all the other things I used to worry about while we were still a couple.
