5 Things (Feb 10)

1. ENDOFUCKINGSCOPY. So because I've been having GERD symptoms and I've had "stomach heat", which is actually a comfy sensation- like lukewarm tea is being poured in my tummy every now and then, just that it's been a year and I'm starting to think it's stomach cancer. I swallowed a long tube of camera so the doctors can view my insides- from throat to small intestines. It was five minutes of hell. I had it without sedation so I felt every icky sensation. YUCK! The wire was the size of a thick pencil and sure it is much smaller than a penis but I had to swallow it, lubricant and all. It feels yuck if you have food stuck in your throat right? How much more a tube in out in out of your throat? HORRIBLE! I almost blacked out, I swear. I kept gagging and augh...just not sexy. I was silent the whole time though but when the doctor removed the scope, I sobbed like a baby. But anyway, DONE! The doc just found out that my esophagus muscle is kinda loose so maybe that was the reason for my burping and reflux. No stomach cancer. Hurray! Pahinga muna sa health investigations a little bit.

2. Marion is aiming for 400%. I used to worry about Sput and her lessons. I obsessed about it for a time. But now she's catching up real fast. It's as if a button is turned on and pooof! She's into her lessons all of a sudden. She took her Grade 1 Admission Exam two weeks ago and the teacher approached Hugo to say congratulations. Sput got perfect in BOTH Language and Math. She's just so ganado and I'm so relieved.

3. I got the FLUES. I have a flu five days and counting and it's making me blue. At first it was cool. I miss being sick with fever and all, ya know. The kind of sickness people really notice and not dismiss like my other issues. I was so weak I just lazed in bed for two days, getting up only to pee or eat. It's almost gone now save for the annoying cough that wakes up any organism within 20 meters radius. I got the blues because I feel so unproductive and old. I even smell old thanks to Pao de Arco. I will fight this. I will look and smell and think and feel young again. That's one goal for 2015.

4. Cambodia Creative Documentary workshop! After the little bit of success from the Nick and Chai documentary last year, I felt like I was floating afterwards with nothing to grab on to. Cliche but the truth. Soooooooo....this workshop. I've been so into creative docs lately especially family docs and I so cannot wait to learn! The residency will run for two weeks, free airfare, accommodation, everything. And because this sign was given to me, I must make more film soon.

5. CHARMS. I already have an anti-anxiety, anti-nega bracelet which I bought in Cebu. Last weekend, bought another charm- a pendant that attracts opportunities and money. Let's see if this works because things are not looking great in the money department lately.

Current read: attempting to finish first chapter of Farewell to Armssszzzzzzz
Current obsession: Low-Fodmap diet, docus
Current angst: Bakit ang hirap magpayaman??!

They say that...

...children are so easy to please. That it's so easy to make them happy. etc etc. That is not true. My daughter just fervently prayed that her toys would talk.

5 Things (January Edition)

Nothing much is happening to my life. It suckz! But it's always like that every January. I kinda like it.

1. Doctor said I need to have my butt hole inserted with a camera. Of course I have to start with health. This is so me. Anyhow, this month had my bloods checked and my blood count went back to normal thanks to iron supplements. Then, I went back to my internist so she can guide me in investigating my health. Funny thing is she said I might have IBS, which is what I also think I have but instead of saying Irritable Bowel Syndrome, she said IBS stands for Inflammatory bowel syndrome. Uhhh doc, don't you mean Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) which is totally different from IBS? But anyhow...went back to my GI specialist and he said "well, my dear, I've checked all there is to check and after six months you are still beautiful. However, I'm concerned of your diarrhea because you had anemia. We have to do the next step." I said, okay doc, I'm ready for an endoscopy (camera in stomach). But he said, let's do both endoscopy and colonoscopy (camera in large instenstive, via my butthole). NOOOOO! I will do endoscopy. Will not do colonoscopy even if it kills me.

2.  I'm bummed with Nick and Chai duties. Our documentary is done but we still have too many things to do and it's such a bummer. I hate it when a project is done but there are still so many requirements to finish and shit. The motivation's gone. Our sales agent wants a million things from us (2 versions in 2 hard drives, 100 DVD screeners, posters, paperwork, etc etc). I want to get busy on a new endeavor.

3. Self-studying docu filmmaking. Been reading a good book about documentary filmmaking, watching award-winning docus with boring storylines just to find out how they pull off boring stuff, and...recently applied to a 2-week creative docu workshop in Cambodia (crossing fingers so hard they're turning blue).

4. Entrepreneurship attempts V54.0. I think everybody knows me as the girl with too many ideas but with close to zero execution. That's not something I'm proud of. People, even especially your closest friends and family, start to know how things will end (or not begin) and they listen to you but with close to zero enthusiasm and you can hear almost hear how they psyche themselves "pay attention, pay attention. This is interesting." but their attention eventually wanes. You cannot blame them! They've seen you get too excited one day only to say "what was I thinking?" the next day. So you see? I am the problem. I need to really nail something in the money-making department. Seriously! I hope something good happens soon. I'm trying my best.

5. Friendship expectations evaluation time. 

"Why should I be the first one to text?"
"Why isn't she replying?"
" Why does she demand a reply?!"
" She doesn't care. So why should I care?"
" She needs distance. FINE! I'll give her that."
" She's hanging out with new people. I'll hang out with new people. That's the healthy way to do it."
" She's spending way too much time with her boyfriend."
" I have a kid. Why can't they be considerate?"
" Sure, she's got a kid. Does that have to change everything?!"
"I'll show you!"
"I'LL SHOW YOU!!!" *smiles

Ah.It's not like FRIENDS or WILL & GRACE or BIG BANG or SEX & THE CITY, after all. We love those shows because they fulfill our fantasy of "friends forever." Friendship entering thirties is more like...SURVIVOR. You do your shit to win the game but it also helps if you have friends. In other words, friendship is secondary. There's career, there's boyfriend/fiancee/husband, there's kid/s, there's the bucket list, there's other people, there's spirituality, grocery shopping, TV shows...and then there's friends. Friendship is always last except on certain occasions.

I just wrote my will. Maybe it's time to look for a shrink.

What is wrong with meeeeeeeee?!

I just wrote my will. You know, the list of instructions and important shit you leave to people which they will read the moment you die. It's not a lengthy one because I have no businesses or properties whatsoever (HA. lucky Sput!) but it's quite long because I gave specific instructions on how I should be buried (closed casket! No one should see my face! No funeral snacks! The only funeral music is the one in my playlist which basically will include La vie En Rose and Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakamiwo'ole ).

Do you think I'm vain? Yeah, I agree. But I think it's safe to say that everyone wants to be lovable when they're dead. It's weird coz I don't really consider myself as a vain person. I'm not so into clothes and make-up and lotion...but when it's about my death and my corpse, ha! I want gold nail polish and pink cheeks.

Thus, I'm doomed.

I'm doomed. I'm doomed. I'm doomed. I'm doomed.

Birthday without the blues, awards and accolades, and an upcoming Eurotrip!

Three important things happened in the past two weeks.

1. Birthday without the blues. I usually get blue during birthdays but this time, I just had a relaxing birthday dinner and wine with three friends. We talked about usual "adult" stuff and "adult" realizations and "adult" changes to our bodies. We were able to laugh at our flaws which gave me the usual fuzzy feeling whenever I am with them. Birthday wish? To be reassured that I'm just fine, physically. Or that if I'm not fine, that I'm still gonna live long. Apart from new projects and new passions to work on, of course.

2. Awards and accolades. I forgot to blog about a documentary I'm working on. It's about a couple who lost all their four kids to the supertyphoon Yolanda. We are the winner for BEST PICTURE for the recently concluded QCIFF. We didn't expect it so imagine how loud our shrieks were when we heard we're the winners. It was my first time to give a "thank you" speech. It wasn't that bad. I was articulate enough, surprisingly. And the best part about it? We will receive a P300,000 cash prize! Wuhooo! And because of that I have the guts to push through our planned Eurotrip!

3. Eurotrip and IDFA! I just submitted my documents to the Netherlands Embassy yesterday. I cannot imagine that I'm really going to Amsterdam and Paris with my friends! I'm so grateful and excited!

So many blessings coming my way that I cannot help but feel special. It's as if someone up there is giving me a special treatment. I know it's superficial, but I will buy presents for everyone I know this Christmas. I'm just brimming with happiness that I have to share it to others.

Here's my speech for all my blessings:
Thank you Universe, thank you God, thank you gods, thank you my dear ancestors, thank you to my mom and sister who are constantly watching over me, thank you Hugo for being a good father to Sput so that I can pursue my passion without worrying, thank you Sput for being the sweetest and for being my #1 fan, thank you ate Bing for taking care of me and Marion (for all the time you boiled water for my bath, for giving me a cup of tea even if I don't ask), thank you Mommy Vivian and Daddy Suy for listening to me even though I sound annoying with my health rants. I feel so lucky. I don't deserve this but I will just claim it. I will share every blessing I have to all of you.

Broken Heart > Broken Health any day!!!

I'd rather be broken-hearted all my life than experience weird health symptoms. Jesus! Weird rashes back again. I'm doomed. My body's starting to change just when I feel like I've figured things out. I can imagine that this is the problem of the thirties lady: you've figured things out emotionally, financially, socially...but your body starts to deteriorate. Sucks! I don't wanna be a crazy health lady who drink lemon water in the morning and applies castor oil at night. Can't I be cool again?!?!

Turning twenty-nine in a couple of days and I can feel old-age comin'.

Coming to terms with the indifference

I keep thinking about death every day. Wait, that's not accurate because I don't actively think about death, it's not my choice of past time, rather thoughts of death and dying and not-existing-anymore keep visiting my head. It's not about what I'll leave to the world because I honestly don't believe it's my mission to leave anything that cannot be forgotten. Well, it's not my main motivation for doing things.

Anyway, my worries concerning death are basically:

 a.) Daughter-related (Will I have enough money to pay for my daughter's monthly bills when she's 22 if I die soon? Who will defend her? Who will teach her about birth control?etc). Should I write my will now?
b.) Death process- related. Is dying painful? How will I die? What is it like to have a knife plunged in your liver or lungs? When will I find out I have cancer? (this one right here is debilitating and a total waste of neurons)
c.) What will happen after death? Will there be total darkness? Is it complete nothingness? In that case, what's the point of existing and enjoying and learning and evolving if all of that is going to be wiped out? Some say "just to experience life!" but I see a flaw there. Maybe the problem is that I assumed there has to be a point. But I'm a point-driven person and I cannot do anything about it. The point is there is no point, I guess. And it drives me crazy.

Somebody shoot me in the head! Whoever gave me the idea that I have control? Whoever gave me the idea that life is constant progression and that there has to be purpose to everything. Whoever gave me the idea that I should exist forever (no matter what form) simply because I was conceived? And if that "right" is taken away from me, it's an unfair Universe. Whoever gave me the idea that the Universe is fair? Not only am I a self-entitled 20-something, I'm a self-entitled being in general.

Okay, here's what I'll do: I will embrace the indifference and "unfairness" wholeheartedly. I will repeat this to myself everyday: The Universe is indifferent. No one will rescue you. But there are 1 million beautiful things in this world and YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.

Here's a quote from Kubrick that has helped me a lot. He's my savior.

“The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.” 

― Stanley Kubrick


Maybe, that's what I should do. I will TRY to be indifferent to the indifference of the Universe.