I'd rather be broken-hearted all my life than experience weird health symptoms. Jesus! Weird rashes back again. I'm doomed. My body's starting to change just when I feel like I've figured things out. I can imagine that this is the problem of the thirties lady: you've figured things out emotionally, financially, socially...but your body starts to deteriorate. Sucks! I don't wanna be a crazy health lady who drink lemon water in the morning and applies castor oil at night. Can't I be cool again?!?!
Turning twenty-nine in a couple of days and I can feel old-age comin'.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Sunday, October 19, 2014
Coming to terms with the indifference
I keep thinking about death every day. Wait, that's not accurate because I don't actively think about death, it's not my choice of past time, rather thoughts of death and dying and not-existing-anymore keep visiting my head. It's not about what I'll leave to the world because I honestly don't believe it's my mission to leave anything that cannot be forgotten. Well, it's not my main motivation for doing things.
Anyway, my worries concerning death are basically:
a.) Daughter-related (Will I have enough money to pay for my daughter's monthly bills when she's 22 if I die soon? Who will defend her? Who will teach her about birth control?etc). Should I write my will now?
b.) Death process- related. Is dying painful? How will I die? What is it like to have a knife plunged in your liver or lungs? When will I find out I have cancer? (this one right here is debilitating and a total waste of neurons)
c.) What will happen after death? Will there be total darkness? Is it complete nothingness? In that case, what's the point of existing and enjoying and learning and evolving if all of that is going to be wiped out? Some say "just to experience life!" but I see a flaw there. Maybe the problem is that I assumed there has to be a point. But I'm a point-driven person and I cannot do anything about it. The point is there is no point, I guess. And it drives me crazy.
Somebody shoot me in the head! Whoever gave me the idea that I have control? Whoever gave me the idea that life is constant progression and that there has to be purpose to everything. Whoever gave me the idea that I should exist forever (no matter what form) simply because I was conceived? And if that "right" is taken away from me, it's an unfair Universe. Whoever gave me the idea that the Universe is fair? Not only am I a self-entitled 20-something, I'm a self-entitled being in general.
Okay, here's what I'll do: I will embrace the indifference and "unfairness" wholeheartedly. I will repeat this to myself everyday: The Universe is indifferent. No one will rescue you. But there are 1 million beautiful things in this world and YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
Here's a quote from Kubrick that has helped me a lot. He's my savior.
“The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
― Stanley Kubrick
Maybe, that's what I should do. I will TRY to be indifferent to the indifference of the Universe.
Anyway, my worries concerning death are basically:
a.) Daughter-related (Will I have enough money to pay for my daughter's monthly bills when she's 22 if I die soon? Who will defend her? Who will teach her about birth control?etc). Should I write my will now?
b.) Death process- related. Is dying painful? How will I die? What is it like to have a knife plunged in your liver or lungs? When will I find out I have cancer? (this one right here is debilitating and a total waste of neurons)
c.) What will happen after death? Will there be total darkness? Is it complete nothingness? In that case, what's the point of existing and enjoying and learning and evolving if all of that is going to be wiped out? Some say "just to experience life!" but I see a flaw there. Maybe the problem is that I assumed there has to be a point. But I'm a point-driven person and I cannot do anything about it. The point is there is no point, I guess. And it drives me crazy.
Somebody shoot me in the head! Whoever gave me the idea that I have control? Whoever gave me the idea that life is constant progression and that there has to be purpose to everything. Whoever gave me the idea that I should exist forever (no matter what form) simply because I was conceived? And if that "right" is taken away from me, it's an unfair Universe. Whoever gave me the idea that the Universe is fair? Not only am I a self-entitled 20-something, I'm a self-entitled being in general.
Okay, here's what I'll do: I will embrace the indifference and "unfairness" wholeheartedly. I will repeat this to myself everyday: The Universe is indifferent. No one will rescue you. But there are 1 million beautiful things in this world and YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
Here's a quote from Kubrick that has helped me a lot. He's my savior.
“The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
― Stanley Kubrick
Maybe, that's what I should do. I will TRY to be indifferent to the indifference of the Universe.
Friday, October 17, 2014
My father just told me he was a hypochondriac too.
I don't know if I've written about this before, but I have a full-blown Health Anxiety. Been suffering from this for over a year now. It started with me getting weird rashes and intense hair fall for months. I've visited a lot of doctors (twice to internist, twice to dermatologist, once to gynecologist) and guess what, the experts said I am just STRESSED! And so at about the same time I developed those weird symptoms, I also had hyperacidity or mild gastritis of some sort. I went to the doctor, he did bloodwork and ultrasound, and when everything came back fine, he said " Dear, are you sure you're not stressed lately?"
That's when I started to doubt doctors. I used to think of them as gods who can solve all my problems but I've visited too many and they all said "it will go away", "ganyan lang talaga", "stress lang yan." And the webMD-ing happens first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and plenty of times throughout the day. It's debilitating, I'm not exxagarating. There were days where I just could not work because I'd rather curl in bed and, with my iPad in hand, try to figure out my disease.I bothered plenty of people especially my partner. Once I went to the lab for an ANA test (just to rule out lupus). It was expensive and I was a total wreck. When it came back negative, he literally shoved the lab result to my face.
Everytime I call my mom, I never fail to mention my health woes. The one I have right now is Digestive issues. Belching, floating stools (TMI), gassy, bloated, undigested food.
MOMMY:
Wow, Inday. Malipay gyud ko mag tan-aw sa imo pictures sa Korea.
Wow. I'm so happy looking at your pictures in Korea.
ME:
Lagi Mi. Mi, ang akong tiyan ba...
Yeah, Mom. Mother, about my tummy...
MOMMY:
Labaw na tong nipaso ka sa red carpet.
Especially the one where you walked on the red carpet.
ME:
....Mi, ngano mani ako tiyan oi.
Mom, what do you think is wrong with my tummy?
MOMMY: (sighs)
Unsa man problema,Inday?
What's the problem this time?
ME:
Mao lagi gihapon. Mulutaw ako tae.
It's the same. My poops still float.
MOMMY:
Normal ra man siguro na kay acidic man ka...
I think it's normal because you're acidic.
(muffled voice. It's Dad's)
DADDY:
Wen, ayaw na sige'g huna-huna ana. Sauna nagka ing-ana pud ko. Sige tingog akong tiyan. Magdaguok. Dayon walay klaro akong tae. Pila ko ka tuig sige ug pa check-up, wala man gyud sila'y makita. Niundang ko oi.
Wen, don't think too much. I had that, too. My stomach used to make a lot of noises then my bowel movement was not regular. I've been to a lot of doctors for a long time, they found nothing. So I stopped.
ME:
So na-praning sad diay ka sauna, Dy?
So you were paranoid about your health, too?
DADDY:
Oo lagi. Ingun ang doctor wala ra daw gyud problema.Ako ra daw makatabang sa akong kaugalingon. Sa stress ra daw to. Wa na nako huna-hunaa, nawala ra man.
Yes. Doctors said I'm the only one that can help myself because what I have is stress.
ME:
Swerte man ka wala pa man to'y WebMD sauna.
Well, you're lucky there's no WebMD during your time.
I'm a bit relieved. My dad's alive so I might be alive longer, too. I'll try to not check my poops for a month, let's see if that will help.
That's when I started to doubt doctors. I used to think of them as gods who can solve all my problems but I've visited too many and they all said "it will go away", "ganyan lang talaga", "stress lang yan." And the webMD-ing happens first thing in the morning, last thing at night, and plenty of times throughout the day. It's debilitating, I'm not exxagarating. There were days where I just could not work because I'd rather curl in bed and, with my iPad in hand, try to figure out my disease.I bothered plenty of people especially my partner. Once I went to the lab for an ANA test (just to rule out lupus). It was expensive and I was a total wreck. When it came back negative, he literally shoved the lab result to my face.
Everytime I call my mom, I never fail to mention my health woes. The one I have right now is Digestive issues. Belching, floating stools (TMI), gassy, bloated, undigested food.
MOMMY:
Wow, Inday. Malipay gyud ko mag tan-aw sa imo pictures sa Korea.
Wow. I'm so happy looking at your pictures in Korea.
ME:
Lagi Mi. Mi, ang akong tiyan ba...
Yeah, Mom. Mother, about my tummy...
MOMMY:
Labaw na tong nipaso ka sa red carpet.
Especially the one where you walked on the red carpet.
ME:
....Mi, ngano mani ako tiyan oi.
Mom, what do you think is wrong with my tummy?
MOMMY: (sighs)
Unsa man problema,Inday?
What's the problem this time?
ME:
Mao lagi gihapon. Mulutaw ako tae.
It's the same. My poops still float.
MOMMY:
Normal ra man siguro na kay acidic man ka...
I think it's normal because you're acidic.
(muffled voice. It's Dad's)
DADDY:
Wen, ayaw na sige'g huna-huna ana. Sauna nagka ing-ana pud ko. Sige tingog akong tiyan. Magdaguok. Dayon walay klaro akong tae. Pila ko ka tuig sige ug pa check-up, wala man gyud sila'y makita. Niundang ko oi.
Wen, don't think too much. I had that, too. My stomach used to make a lot of noises then my bowel movement was not regular. I've been to a lot of doctors for a long time, they found nothing. So I stopped.
ME:
So na-praning sad diay ka sauna, Dy?
So you were paranoid about your health, too?
DADDY:
Oo lagi. Ingun ang doctor wala ra daw gyud problema.Ako ra daw makatabang sa akong kaugalingon. Sa stress ra daw to. Wa na nako huna-hunaa, nawala ra man.
Yes. Doctors said I'm the only one that can help myself because what I have is stress.
ME:
Swerte man ka wala pa man to'y WebMD sauna.
Well, you're lucky there's no WebMD during your time.
I'm a bit relieved. My dad's alive so I might be alive longer, too. I'll try to not check my poops for a month, let's see if that will help.
Thursday, October 16, 2014
I could have been a rich sausage lady
If only I was persistent enough or lucky enough. But I wasn't.
My twenties was pretty much spent either waiting for things to happen (a big break, a big raise) or praying for things not to happen( catch a deadly disease, become pregnant). I felt like I had too much time in my hands, but not really. There were plenty of lull moments where I can actually hear the clock ticking at 10 in the morning. But there were also plenty of rushed moments where I don't even have time to check my face in the mirror. I was rushing to get my shit together already and figure out what I'm supposed to be. It sounds silly but it has made me wail like a baby (not to mention lose so much hair!).
CAREER. Woooh! I used to cringe a little and get goosebumps every time I hear that C word. In my early twenties, I used to get excited about career and life path (I can be anything I want to be!) but in my mid-twenties (when I started to exhaust all options or what felt like "all options"), I started to lose hope and settle and dismiss the C word. Every turned down job application was a stab to my ego. But then when I turned twenty-seven, I sucked it up and told myself I have to try again. What I did, I set my deadline to thirty-five instead of thirty. That made a big difference! I realized that 3-year or 5-year deadlines paralyze me. I started to compare my life to my friends' accomplishments (thanks Facebook). For me, it's okay to be envious, it's okay to compare, it's okay to feel let-down as long as I DON'T STOP.
In my twenties, here are the "paths" I've tried:
* Fresh from college, I applied as a Korean tutor.
* Then as an assistant Production Designer for a TV show (quit after two weeks)
* Assistant Production Designer for a TV Commercial Production House (quit after 3 months because I got pregnant)
* Call Center Agent (quit after two months because Gynecologist advised I stop working)
* Assistant Production Designer again for TVC
* Went home to the province and started working online (writing blogs, data entry, etc). I have this job until now because it suits me. I love the flexibility and the fact that I don't have to experience Manila traffic everyday.
* Got bored with just working online. Applied as Magazine writer but they don't accept part-time positions.
* Applied as photographer for a Photobooth company. They turned me down.
* Started an online clothing store with my friends. Had friendship issues after six months. Lesson: Friendship and business don't mix.
* Tried selling cheap soap in the province (my mom will sell for me), didn't work. There are already plenty of cheap soaps in the province, turns out. Lesson: Research!
* Tried selling sausages from the province here in the city with my sister. Didn't even go to step one because my mother misquoted the price. Lesson: Please compute properly. And don't do business with mom for now (sorry, mother. Love you!)
* Tried having an online writing business. I ended up re-writing all the stuff. It's hard to find good quality for small fee. In the end, plenty of headaches for just little money. not worth the trouble.
* Marketed Wall-Nut wall climbing solutions (my partner's sort of business). Lots of inquiries but not too many people are willing to travel to Antipolo (which is one hour away from the metro). It's not sellable. Period.
* Attended a script writing workshop. Got inspired to make films again.
* Attended a filmmaking workshop where they fund good scripts. My script got selected. At age twenty-seven, I made my first short film after college. Not the best but decent enough. That's where I met a lot of great people including Cha.
* Cha and I got along well and decided we make a production company that focuses on documentaries.
* Nothing much happened during the first year except we shot her documentary in Leyte (not completed) and we had one animation project that didn't turn out well (big goals, small budget, too many people involved). We pitched to some companies and made scripts with no fee. The only successful one is a project with Schneider Electric, which we got through our friend. The pay was good, the project was easy.
* During Haiyan, Cha and I were looking for stories to shoot. When I was visiting my parents' home, my sister-in-law mentioned a couple who lost all their four kids to the storm. Cha and I went to the couple and six months later, we finished a full-length documentary.
* We got screened at Busan International Film Festival (biggest IFF in Asia) and we will screen at IDFA Amsterdam (the biggest in the world).
So, here I am, a girl who "kinda" figured out what she's going to do in the next decade. I'm not too sure if I can make another good film that will be screened in other countries, but I will try. I feel fulfilled when I'm making films- from conceptualization up to the fifth edit. At the same time, I will work on my finances as I'm in a painful state of poverty right now. I owe it to my beautiful daughter to have at least a decent amount of money in the bank while I pursue my dreams.
Anyway, I sometimes wonder what if I got successful in one of the other stuff I pursued? Sausage business, for example...I'd be a totally different person. My daily concerns would revolve around picking up the sausages and making sure they're stacked properly in the fridge. I'd sleep at night thinking about the number of sausages to be delivered the next day.
Or what if I didn't pursue the script writing workshop? Maybe I would not have attended the filmmaking workshop. So that means I would not have made my short film and met Cha and made a documentary.
Or...maybe not. maybe I'm still a sausage woman who thinks about films at night. I cannot tell for sure.
My twenties was pretty much spent either waiting for things to happen (a big break, a big raise) or praying for things not to happen( catch a deadly disease, become pregnant). I felt like I had too much time in my hands, but not really. There were plenty of lull moments where I can actually hear the clock ticking at 10 in the morning. But there were also plenty of rushed moments where I don't even have time to check my face in the mirror. I was rushing to get my shit together already and figure out what I'm supposed to be. It sounds silly but it has made me wail like a baby (not to mention lose so much hair!).
CAREER. Woooh! I used to cringe a little and get goosebumps every time I hear that C word. In my early twenties, I used to get excited about career and life path (I can be anything I want to be!) but in my mid-twenties (when I started to exhaust all options or what felt like "all options"), I started to lose hope and settle and dismiss the C word. Every turned down job application was a stab to my ego. But then when I turned twenty-seven, I sucked it up and told myself I have to try again. What I did, I set my deadline to thirty-five instead of thirty. That made a big difference! I realized that 3-year or 5-year deadlines paralyze me. I started to compare my life to my friends' accomplishments (thanks Facebook). For me, it's okay to be envious, it's okay to compare, it's okay to feel let-down as long as I DON'T STOP.
In my twenties, here are the "paths" I've tried:
* Fresh from college, I applied as a Korean tutor.
* Then as an assistant Production Designer for a TV show (quit after two weeks)
* Assistant Production Designer for a TV Commercial Production House (quit after 3 months because I got pregnant)
* Call Center Agent (quit after two months because Gynecologist advised I stop working)
* Assistant Production Designer again for TVC
* Went home to the province and started working online (writing blogs, data entry, etc). I have this job until now because it suits me. I love the flexibility and the fact that I don't have to experience Manila traffic everyday.
* Got bored with just working online. Applied as Magazine writer but they don't accept part-time positions.
* Applied as photographer for a Photobooth company. They turned me down.
* Started an online clothing store with my friends. Had friendship issues after six months. Lesson: Friendship and business don't mix.
* Tried selling cheap soap in the province (my mom will sell for me), didn't work. There are already plenty of cheap soaps in the province, turns out. Lesson: Research!
* Tried selling sausages from the province here in the city with my sister. Didn't even go to step one because my mother misquoted the price. Lesson: Please compute properly. And don't do business with mom for now (sorry, mother. Love you!)
* Tried having an online writing business. I ended up re-writing all the stuff. It's hard to find good quality for small fee. In the end, plenty of headaches for just little money. not worth the trouble.
* Marketed Wall-Nut wall climbing solutions (my partner's sort of business). Lots of inquiries but not too many people are willing to travel to Antipolo (which is one hour away from the metro). It's not sellable. Period.
* Attended a script writing workshop. Got inspired to make films again.
* Attended a filmmaking workshop where they fund good scripts. My script got selected. At age twenty-seven, I made my first short film after college. Not the best but decent enough. That's where I met a lot of great people including Cha.
* Cha and I got along well and decided we make a production company that focuses on documentaries.
* Nothing much happened during the first year except we shot her documentary in Leyte (not completed) and we had one animation project that didn't turn out well (big goals, small budget, too many people involved). We pitched to some companies and made scripts with no fee. The only successful one is a project with Schneider Electric, which we got through our friend. The pay was good, the project was easy.
* During Haiyan, Cha and I were looking for stories to shoot. When I was visiting my parents' home, my sister-in-law mentioned a couple who lost all their four kids to the storm. Cha and I went to the couple and six months later, we finished a full-length documentary.
* We got screened at Busan International Film Festival (biggest IFF in Asia) and we will screen at IDFA Amsterdam (the biggest in the world).
So, here I am, a girl who "kinda" figured out what she's going to do in the next decade. I'm not too sure if I can make another good film that will be screened in other countries, but I will try. I feel fulfilled when I'm making films- from conceptualization up to the fifth edit. At the same time, I will work on my finances as I'm in a painful state of poverty right now. I owe it to my beautiful daughter to have at least a decent amount of money in the bank while I pursue my dreams.
Anyway, I sometimes wonder what if I got successful in one of the other stuff I pursued? Sausage business, for example...I'd be a totally different person. My daily concerns would revolve around picking up the sausages and making sure they're stacked properly in the fridge. I'd sleep at night thinking about the number of sausages to be delivered the next day.
Or what if I didn't pursue the script writing workshop? Maybe I would not have attended the filmmaking workshop. So that means I would not have made my short film and met Cha and made a documentary.
Or...maybe not. maybe I'm still a sausage woman who thinks about films at night. I cannot tell for sure.
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