5 Things (Feb 10)

1. ENDOFUCKINGSCOPY. So because I've been having GERD symptoms and I've had "stomach heat", which is actually a comfy sensation- like lukewarm tea is being poured in my tummy every now and then, just that it's been a year and I'm starting to think it's stomach cancer. I swallowed a long tube of camera so the doctors can view my insides- from throat to small intestines. It was five minutes of hell. I had it without sedation so I felt every icky sensation. YUCK! The wire was the size of a thick pencil and sure it is much smaller than a penis but I had to swallow it, lubricant and all. It feels yuck if you have food stuck in your throat right? How much more a tube in out in out of your throat? HORRIBLE! I almost blacked out, I swear. I kept gagging and augh...just not sexy. I was silent the whole time though but when the doctor removed the scope, I sobbed like a baby. But anyway, DONE! The doc just found out that my esophagus muscle is kinda loose so maybe that was the reason for my burping and reflux. No stomach cancer. Hurray! Pahinga muna sa health investigations a little bit.

2. Marion is aiming for 400%. I used to worry about Sput and her lessons. I obsessed about it for a time. But now she's catching up real fast. It's as if a button is turned on and pooof! She's into her lessons all of a sudden. She took her Grade 1 Admission Exam two weeks ago and the teacher approached Hugo to say congratulations. Sput got perfect in BOTH Language and Math. She's just so ganado and I'm so relieved.

3. I got the FLUES. I have a flu five days and counting and it's making me blue. At first it was cool. I miss being sick with fever and all, ya know. The kind of sickness people really notice and not dismiss like my other issues. I was so weak I just lazed in bed for two days, getting up only to pee or eat. It's almost gone now save for the annoying cough that wakes up any organism within 20 meters radius. I got the blues because I feel so unproductive and old. I even smell old thanks to Pao de Arco. I will fight this. I will look and smell and think and feel young again. That's one goal for 2015.

4. Cambodia Creative Documentary workshop! After the little bit of success from the Nick and Chai documentary last year, I felt like I was floating afterwards with nothing to grab on to. Cliche but the truth. Soooooooo....this workshop. I've been so into creative docs lately especially family docs and I so cannot wait to learn! The residency will run for two weeks, free airfare, accommodation, everything. And because this sign was given to me, I must make more film soon.

5. CHARMS. I already have an anti-anxiety, anti-nega bracelet which I bought in Cebu. Last weekend, bought another charm- a pendant that attracts opportunities and money. Let's see if this works because things are not looking great in the money department lately.

Current read: attempting to finish first chapter of Farewell to Armssszzzzzzz
Current obsession: Low-Fodmap diet, docus
Current angst: Bakit ang hirap magpayaman??!

They say that...

...children are so easy to please. That it's so easy to make them happy. etc etc. That is not true. My daughter just fervently prayed that her toys would talk.

5 Things (January Edition)

Nothing much is happening to my life. It suckz! But it's always like that every January. I kinda like it.

1. Doctor said I need to have my butt hole inserted with a camera. Of course I have to start with health. This is so me. Anyhow, this month had my bloods checked and my blood count went back to normal thanks to iron supplements. Then, I went back to my internist so she can guide me in investigating my health. Funny thing is she said I might have IBS, which is what I also think I have but instead of saying Irritable Bowel Syndrome, she said IBS stands for Inflammatory bowel syndrome. Uhhh doc, don't you mean Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) which is totally different from IBS? But anyhow...went back to my GI specialist and he said "well, my dear, I've checked all there is to check and after six months you are still beautiful. However, I'm concerned of your diarrhea because you had anemia. We have to do the next step." I said, okay doc, I'm ready for an endoscopy (camera in stomach). But he said, let's do both endoscopy and colonoscopy (camera in large instenstive, via my butthole). NOOOOO! I will do endoscopy. Will not do colonoscopy even if it kills me.

2.  I'm bummed with Nick and Chai duties. Our documentary is done but we still have too many things to do and it's such a bummer. I hate it when a project is done but there are still so many requirements to finish and shit. The motivation's gone. Our sales agent wants a million things from us (2 versions in 2 hard drives, 100 DVD screeners, posters, paperwork, etc etc). I want to get busy on a new endeavor.

3. Self-studying docu filmmaking. Been reading a good book about documentary filmmaking, watching award-winning docus with boring storylines just to find out how they pull off boring stuff, and...recently applied to a 2-week creative docu workshop in Cambodia (crossing fingers so hard they're turning blue).

4. Entrepreneurship attempts V54.0. I think everybody knows me as the girl with too many ideas but with close to zero execution. That's not something I'm proud of. People, even especially your closest friends and family, start to know how things will end (or not begin) and they listen to you but with close to zero enthusiasm and you can hear almost hear how they psyche themselves "pay attention, pay attention. This is interesting." but their attention eventually wanes. You cannot blame them! They've seen you get too excited one day only to say "what was I thinking?" the next day. So you see? I am the problem. I need to really nail something in the money-making department. Seriously! I hope something good happens soon. I'm trying my best.

5. Friendship expectations evaluation time. 

"Why should I be the first one to text?"
"Why isn't she replying?"
" Why does she demand a reply?!"
" She doesn't care. So why should I care?"
" She needs distance. FINE! I'll give her that."
" She's hanging out with new people. I'll hang out with new people. That's the healthy way to do it."
" She's spending way too much time with her boyfriend."
" I have a kid. Why can't they be considerate?"
" Sure, she's got a kid. Does that have to change everything?!"
"I'll show you!"
"I'LL SHOW YOU!!!" *smiles

Ah.It's not like FRIENDS or WILL & GRACE or BIG BANG or SEX & THE CITY, after all. We love those shows because they fulfill our fantasy of "friends forever." Friendship entering thirties is more like...SURVIVOR. You do your shit to win the game but it also helps if you have friends. In other words, friendship is secondary. There's career, there's boyfriend/fiancee/husband, there's kid/s, there's the bucket list, there's other people, there's spirituality, grocery shopping, TV shows...and then there's friends. Friendship is always last except on certain occasions.

I just wrote my will. Maybe it's time to look for a shrink.

What is wrong with meeeeeeeee?!

I just wrote my will. You know, the list of instructions and important shit you leave to people which they will read the moment you die. It's not a lengthy one because I have no businesses or properties whatsoever (HA. lucky Sput!) but it's quite long because I gave specific instructions on how I should be buried (closed casket! No one should see my face! No funeral snacks! The only funeral music is the one in my playlist which basically will include La vie En Rose and Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Israel Kamakamiwo'ole ).

Do you think I'm vain? Yeah, I agree. But I think it's safe to say that everyone wants to be lovable when they're dead. It's weird coz I don't really consider myself as a vain person. I'm not so into clothes and make-up and lotion...but when it's about my death and my corpse, ha! I want gold nail polish and pink cheeks.

Thus, I'm doomed.

I'm doomed. I'm doomed. I'm doomed. I'm doomed.