I keep thinking about death every day. Wait, that's not accurate because I don't actively think about death, it's not my choice of past time, rather thoughts of death and dying and not-existing-anymore keep visiting my head. It's not about what I'll leave to the world because I honestly don't believe it's my mission to leave anything that cannot be forgotten. Well, it's not my main motivation for doing things.
Anyway, my worries concerning death are basically:
a.) Daughter-related (Will I have enough money to pay for my daughter's monthly bills when she's 22 if I die soon? Who will defend her? Who will teach her about birth control?etc). Should I write my will now?
b.) Death process- related. Is dying painful? How will I die? What is it like to have a knife plunged in your liver or lungs? When will I find out I have cancer? (this one right here is debilitating and a total waste of neurons)
c.) What will happen after death? Will there be total darkness? Is it complete nothingness? In that case, what's the point of existing and enjoying and learning and evolving if all of that is going to be wiped out? Some say "just to experience life!" but I see a flaw there. Maybe the problem is that I assumed there has to be a point. But I'm a point-driven person and I cannot do anything about it. The point is there is no point, I guess. And it drives me crazy.
Somebody shoot me in the head! Whoever gave me the idea that I have control? Whoever gave me the idea that life is constant progression and that there has to be purpose to everything. Whoever gave me the idea that I should exist forever (no matter what form) simply because I was conceived? And if that "right" is taken away from me, it's an unfair Universe. Whoever gave me the idea that the Universe is fair? Not only am I a self-entitled 20-something, I'm a self-entitled being in general.
Okay, here's what I'll do: I will embrace the indifference and "unfairness" wholeheartedly. I will repeat this to myself everyday: The Universe is indifferent. No one will rescue you. But there are 1 million beautiful things in this world and YOU ARE STILL ALIVE.
Here's a quote from Kubrick that has helped me a lot. He's my savior.
“The very meaninglessness of life forces man to create his own meaning. Children, of course, begin life with an untarnished sense of wonder, a capacity to experience total joy at something as simple as the greenness of a leaf; but as they grow older, the awareness of death and decay begins to impinge on their consciousness and subtly erode their joie de vivre, their idealism – and their assumption of immortality. As a child matures, he sees death and pain everywhere about him, and begins to lose faith in the ultimate goodness of man. But, if he’s reasonably strong – and lucky – he can emerge from this twilight of the soul into a rebirth of life’s elan. Both because of and in spite of his awareness of the meaninglessness of life, he can forge a fresh sense of purpose and affirmation. He may not recapture the same pure sense of wonder he was born with, but he can shape something far more enduring and sustaining. The most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile but that it is indifferent; but if we can come to terms with this indifference and accept the challenges of life within the boundaries of death – however mutable man may be able to make them – our existence as a species can have genuine meaning and fulfillment. However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light.”
― Stanley Kubrick
Maybe, that's what I should do. I will TRY to be indifferent to the indifference of the Universe.
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